Whether your child is just beginning T-ball or is a travel-team soccer all-star or survived the cuts for the high school varsity basketball team, parents take heed. Your actions are saying more than you think while attending your child’s game and after it ends.
Sports is one of few places in a child’s life where a parent should say, “This is your thing,” Athletics is one of the best ways for young people to take risks and deal with failure because the consequences aren’t fatal, they aren’t permanent. It’s a game, so players usually don’t want or need a parent to rescue them when something goes wrong. Once a parent is assured the team is a safe environment, release your child to the coach and to the game. That way all successes are theirs, all failures are theirs.
The clear majority of dads and moms that make rides home from games miserable for their children do so inadvertently. They aren’t stereotypical horrendous sports parents, the ones who scream at referees, loudly second-guess coaches or berate their children. They are well-intentioned folks who can’t help but initiate conversation about the contest before the sweat has dried on their child’s uniform.
In the moments after a game, win or lose, kids desire distance. They make a rapid transition from athlete back to child. And they’d prefer if parents transitioned from spectator – or in many instances from coach – back to mom and dad. ASAP. Discussion on the ride home can be about a song on the radio or where to stop for a bite to eat. By the time, you pull into the driveway, the relationship ought to have transformed from intensely interested spectator and athlete back to parent and child.
Here are some guidelines how parents can be more supportive of their athlete.
FIVE SIGNS OF NEGATIVE SUPPORT
As a sports parent, this is what you should want to avoid:
- Overemphasizing sports at the expense of sportsmanship: The best athletes keep their emotions in check and perform at an even keel, win or lose. Parents demonstrative in showing displeasure during a contest are sending the wrong message. Encouragement is crucial — especially when things aren’t going well on the field or court.
- Having different goals than your child: Jot down a list of what you want for your child during their sport season. Your son or daughter can do the same. Extremely different lists are a red flag. Kids generally want to have fun, enjoy time with their friends, improve their skills and win. Parents who write down “getting a scholarship” or “making the All-Star team” probably need to adjust their goals.
- Treating your child differently after a loss than a win: Almost all parents love their children the same regardless of the outcome of a game. Yet often their behavior conveys something else. Many young athletes indicate that conversations with their parents after a game somehow make them feel as if their value as a person was tied to playing time or winning.
- Undermining the coach: Young athletes need a single instructional voice during games. That voice must be the coach. Kids who listen to their parents yelling instruction from the stands or even glancing at their parents for approval from the field are distracted and can’t perform at a peak level. Second-guessing the coach on the ride home is just as menacing.
- Living your own athletic dream through your child: A sure sign is the parent taking credit when the child has done well. Another symptom is when the outcome of a game means more to a parent than to the child. If you as a parent are still depressed by a loss when the child is already off playing with friends, remind yourself that it’s not your career and you have zero control over the outcome.
FIVE SIGNS OF POSITIVE SUPPORT
- Cheer everybody on the team, not just your child: Parents should attend as many games as possible and be supportive, yet allow young athletes to find their own solutions. Don’t feel the need to come to their rescue at every crisis. Continue to make positive comments even when the team is struggling.
- Model appropriate behavior: When a parent projects poise, control and confidence, the young athlete is likely to do the same. And when a parent doesn’t dwell on a tough loss, the young athlete will be incredibly appreciative.
- Know what is suitable to discuss with the coach: The mental and physical treatment of your child is absolutely appropriate. So is seeking advice on ways to help your child improve. And if you are concerned about your child’s behavior in the team setting, bring that up with the coach. However, some taboo topics: Playing time, team strategy, and discussing team members other than your child.
- Know your role: Everyone at a game is either a player, a coach, an official or a spectator. It’s wise to choose only one of those roles at a time. Some adults have the false impression that by being in a crowd, they become anonymous. People behaving poorly cannot hide. If your child seems embarrassed by you, you may want to reconsider your own behavior.
- Be a good listener and a great encourager: When your child is ready to talk about a game or has a question about the sport, be all ears. Then provide answers while being mindful of avoiding becoming a nightmare sports parent. Above all, be positive. Be your child’s biggest fan.
And, of course, don’t be sparing with those magic words: “I love watching you play.”
See You in the Gym!!